My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
