Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
