found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
