Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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