He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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