:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
