so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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