opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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