literally had 100 drinks last night.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
