1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
