LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
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