I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
