i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
