in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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