I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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