I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
