i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
