he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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