how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
