So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
