I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
