please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
