I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
