woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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