Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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