I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Shame - the story of my life.
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