you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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