it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
