I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
