Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
