Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?