she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.