its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
