I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you inspire me to be a worse person
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
