How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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