I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Houston, we have a squirter
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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