Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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