my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
