fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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