Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
