life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
