a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
