When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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