I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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