Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
