Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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