the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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