My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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