Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
"it" just moved
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
