So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
