I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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