Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
