So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
