am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize