drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
this hospital has no fireball
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
