hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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