I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
