I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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