a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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