He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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